I feel much better since yesterday.
Its like that very dark cloud just left me.I still feel emotional but its nothing compare with how I felt over the week end.
I think my contraception isnt helping with my mood by adding to my depression and anxiety when the hormones kick in…It stops me having my periods as I hate them… Im not comfortabke with my body I guess!! Its so hard to be a woman in this word!!
I had my first meeting with my mental health adviser. We talked about short terms goals and long term ones…. I was shoked it took me some times to work it out. Few months back, Ill be like so determined and restless to do something… I dont recognise myself anymore!! Who am I?
I said yes to join some creative groups and to work on managing my mood.
Normally I would be excited about that but Im scared:what if I dont like it or it doesnt work out?
Im going to see my therapist later so hopefully that will help me.
Saturday was a very dark day.
I stayed in my bed all day. I felt lost and so depressed.
I tried to contact a few friends but everybody was busy for Easter… My man included.
I felt alone and rejected.
These past few weeks, I faced some very deep emotions and it was challenging to stay still with them.
My Daughter was at her Dads and my boyfriend was at his sister’s. I felt insecure with all aspect of our relationship as well as all aspect of my life.
My best friend called in the evening and we spoke for an hour.She is married and pregnant… I got in into my mind that I will never get what she has…
I was scared of losing my man,myself and my life-I dont need to die for that.
I dont believe he can love me and I found myself disactisfied with his actions.
Is it me? I always think its me… Does he have to get the moon for me to be happy?
My best friend told I am the best girlfriend in the world: so caring and so underdtanding … I need to believe it…
Im waiting for this moment to pass and pray that it will make sense.
What is Life?
And what is death?
What is the purpose of me?
What am I doing here?
I dont know anymore…
I never really knew…
But no answers
What is Love really?
Why is it so hard to love?
Why cant I just trust love?
Why does love hurt me so much?
Because nobody taught me how to love and how to be loved…
Now its all very scary…
Last week, I had a time off of motherhood. I needed it. This week, I was able to have the greatest time with my Daughter.We had so much fun just sitting in the park, having grass fights and giggling as well as watching movies late at night. It was a long time I didnt feel so much love and happiness being with her…
In the last few months,I felt completely detached from her at times because of my Depression and the old pains poking out of me…
So I enjoy the Love very much! And so glad Im still here to experience it.