Warning: some of the content of this blog might be triggering
I disappeared again for a few days. Those were really dark days. I am still feeling chocked emotionally.
In a nutshell, I was engaged, ready to move in and it isn’t happening anymore… I need to find somewhere else to live by the end of the summer… So I am losing and grieving a few things.
I was strong and could manage my emotions for a week, then I got some more news and it is when I broke down…
My deep rooted feelings of rejection, abandonment and of betrayal got triggered big time. Those are the things that always send me into a very dark place as it is all connected to my childhood and the abuse.
I didn’t stop crying for 2 days, I stopped eating, I hurt myself… I wanted to leave this life. I went to see my doctor who increased my anti depressants and prescribed sleeping pills. I took the sleeping pills once but didn’t like them.
My friends are amazing but now I reached the point when I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I don’t want to try to understand what happened, lots of things were happening. I don’t want to dwell on the situation anymore…. It hurts too much. I can’t explain or answer questions anymore…
I wanted to talk to my therapist and left a voice mail while crying but she didn’t have the “capacity” to event talk to me, which only increased my feelings of rejection. She wasn’t available when I needed her. I don’t even want to see her today: I needed her when I was in so much pain I didn’t want to be here anymore.
These emotions are not so much because of the breakup but it is now about the old pain that lie dormant within me, ready to come back up at any opportunity. When I am in this very painful emotional place, there is nothing my friends can tell me or do to make it better because its rooted so deep within me.
"Think of your Daughter" I hear every time I am in a crisis…Of course I think about her. I look at her and she amazes me. But, what I am going through has nothing to do her. Some might say it is selfish… But it is always easy to judge.
I have to carry on one step at the time.