Being a Mother, a survivor and a woman - part 39 - The Man within- His pain


" Love is really just a game: who posses who and who dominates who. People use sex as a way to manipulate, which is part of the game. People are confusing sex and its lust for Love or they use it as a band aid to make themselves feel better, to give each other the illusion of closeness.
Sex can destroy an entire life. It can crush a little girl’s heart forever.
People play not to fell a thing but, inside, they hurt. They hurt so bad, they run around to find their next victim to numb their agony.

I am yet to experience true Love which comes form one’s soul and the Universe. Until now, it’s only been a illusion: I’ll show you the best of me. I’ll pretend to be someone I am not in order to get you and once I have you, I’ll drop the mask. You’ll be surprised. You won’t recognise me.It’ll be too late and too painful to leave because you’ll be so in love with the person you thought I was. You’ll stay just in case this person you once knew comes bak, even for a few hours.

You’ll also pretend to be someone you are not. You might even notice it. Suddenly, you’ll wake up and you won’t recognise yourself. You’ll look in the mirror, asking yourself who this person is.

So, no, i don’t believe in Love. I refuse to be part of this charade.

I am tired of playing games. I am tired of hiding behind my pain. I am tired of my controlling behaviour. I know what to say and what to do to hurt people who hurt, I am also tired of that.
These games were the ones played by my family. I now want to experience other things. Things that will lift me up because, I know deep down I am more than this player with a broken heart.

Tug of War


The more you pull away,

the more I pull back.

Tug of war of broken hearts.

It never seems to stop.

Hopefully, one of us will soon give up.

Hopefully, it will be me.

Confused emotions


I hate you,

I love you.

I curse you,

I love you.

I don’t trust you,

I love you.

I am so mad at you,

I love you.

I want to hurt you,

I love you.

Away, I push you,

I love you.

Back, I want you,

I love you.

But, still,I love you


I am so angry.

I am so hurt.

But, still, I love you.

I lost my trust in us, in you.

I lost my faith in us, in you.

I lost my patience with you.

But, still, I love you.

Mother


Why do I always feel like you are more important than I am?

Like you know better.

You have all the authority.

Why do you always remind me how un-significant I am,

Much smaller,

An hollow shell.

Empty.

It really was all a lie:

You were the smallest one.

In truth, I was the bigger one of all:

I never needed to hurt others to hide my pain.

I never reduced anyone to nothing to make myself feel better.

It isn’t about how tall or small you are.

It isn’t about who is the child and who is the parent.

It is about the size of our heart.

Being a Mother, a survivor and a woman - part 38 - What I seek outside of myself is whithin me


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My Inner Children and I Loved, protected, supported from within, from the Universe. Pastels drawing - 2014 Sylvie Rouhani

For the last few weeks, I had a rather patchy communication with my ex. There are lots of emotions in both side: happiness, hurt. We are definitely walking on egg shells.

As the adult that I am, I wish I could take some distance to carry on my emotional and spiritual healing - although this connection is the root of such a deep awakening for me. I also wish to step back in respect to his own journey and I know the more I hold on the more we will carry on this peek-a-boo communication which brings up strong emotions. I realise that these strong emotions are there for me to learn from.

My Small Sacred Child isn’t ready to move on. She doesn’t want to lose him and his love - no matter who insecure this love is. As I wrote before, for her, it is yet another person she loves so dearly to say good bye to. So she find any excuses to be in touch. She looks for any signs of hope and holds on to it with passion. I admire this passion for love. After all she’s been through, she still believes in its power. The thing is, when she gets in touch and there is no reply - for whatever reason - she feels rejected and so sad. It hurts me.

While chanting yesterday, I decided to listen to her hope, her desire to communicate. I heard her strongly: ” Please don’t take him away from me…” Last night, I felt her pain and her sadness derived from the strong longing she has for his love.

Last year, I had the same inner battle and because I didn’t understand where it came from - no being in touch with all these precious parts of my inner self - I got angry and frustrated with myself: ” For God sake, can’t I just let go!!! ” It always takes me time to let go.

Now I know, I have more compassion towards myself and this Inner Child.

This morning, in front of my chanting altar, thinking about all of this, I realised that her/our pain is a result of feeling so detached from the Universe. It is about reminding her/us - and my Sacred Teenager Self - all the love, the support and the validation of her/our self worth, we’ve been seeking for so long outside of ourselves, are within us. It comes from the Universe, which we are! So, from there, with each mantra I chant, I determine for me/us to re-merge with the Universe.

We are not alone. We don’t need t chase after anything and anyone because we got it all already. I need to chant more this way to really anchor this new awareness within me.

 

Being a Mother, a survivor and a woman - Part 37 - Loving my body


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Picture Gilead Limore - amended- Spirited Bodies

Last night, I life modelled for my friend’s(Tatiana Moressoniart group: Camberwell Life Drawing. I started life modelling on and off for the last 3 years, with Spirited Bodies organised and held by my friend Esther Bunting.

Spirited Bodies was first organised to give a safe space to enable women to embrace their body. Later it opens its doors to men so that both women and men could participate in harmony. It is without saying that it is also difficult for men to embrace their body! The firs time I attended was in a mixed group and I felt connected with both women and men in this experience. we were all sizes, all shapes and all different physical abilities.

Often, when I talk friends about life modelling, it brings up the subject of sex… well, obviously, we are all naked with our bits out! The thing is it has nothing to do with sex! Someone even told me: ” It is just a big orgy!” or “I am sure the guys in there are just participating to be surrounded by naked ladies.” I hear from a very few male participants that they had to, sometimes concentrate not to get “it” up, which I laughed at, asking: ” And how did you manage not to?” Clearly,men’s bodies show their thoughts in a more obvious way!!

Women are not that innocent either - in a more private sort of way, most of the time… Well I wasn’t at that time in my life!! I had a one night stand with one of the male model. We met naked but the first attraction was spiritual - I couldn’t even see much of him while he was posing. He had beautiful eyes so I thought I’d let him know!!I

I then didn’t participate as much as I’ve liked to, because of the male presence at the event, which I found very triggering at this point of my healing journey from child sexual abuse. My relationships with men changed drastically: no more cheeky behaviour for me! The last time, I attended, I was more aware and was able to look after myself. Although, I was approached by an artist who was looking at me with greedy eyes so I didn’t respond to his offer to privately pose for him. My body, my rules!!

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Camberwell Life Drawing

Last night was a very different experience as I was doing it solo. I had full control of what I wanted to do. My artist’s perspective helped me to come up with interesting poses. It was warm and cozy. “What do you do during long poses?” a friend asked me last week. I sleep… No, I didn’t. I was really tempted though! I decided to focus on my body and to thank every single bits of it for supporting me.

I went around each artist to take some pictures of their work, really thanking them.

I will definitely do this again.

Thank you Esther and Tatiana.

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Camberwell Life Drawing

Life Model for Camberwell Life Drawing

Being a Mother, a survivor and a woman - Part 37 - A dream, a powerful message and a new friend


Today I had a moving experience.


I had a dream about my ex fiancé.

In the dream, he was with someone else and was doing all these wonderful for himself: travelling, doing his music… Although it was still clear he still loves me, he still went back to her ( in real life he seemed to have lady, however their relationship is quite unclear) 
I was happy for him but I also felt jealous: I wanted to be the one by his side on his journey of growth… cheering him on and holding his hand…

Today, I went to my writing group and I decided to write this dream down and what came up was
I feel I’ve been replaced by someone better with whom he can finally thrive.
"I’ve been replaced" seems to be an old wound. When my mum had my half little brother, she told me I was jealous. I was young and, I think, it is a natural think to feel… especially as she never sat down with me to explain this big thing happening. As a child though, my thoughts were as follow:" Mummy never loved me and now he is here, she won’t ever love me" He was the perfect child and I wasn’t, you see… Yes, I heard that a few times…


So now I feel I am so easy to replace with someone so much better…


I had a massage after the writing group and as the lady was rubbing my (emotional and physical) pain away, she was saying: “You are safe and cared for…” I started crying… 


Once the massage was finished, we talked and I explained what was going within me. “Who told you that you are replaceable because you are so unlovable??”  she asked; so I answered: my family, especially my Mother!! “Well that is not true!!” I felt how right she was!! It is my mum not loving herself and projecting this on me…

This pain doesn’t belong to me. It is not mine to carry and it never was!! It isn’t because my mum felt crap about herself that she had the right to make her feelings mine!!

I feel much better now!!

I then had a walk with another member of the writing group. We like to talk about Life, Angels… the Universe and its amazing ways!! We sat in a park and talked, listened to the birds, looked at what was around us and within us. We agree on many things. I feel like he is my soul mate, in a brotherly way… a guide of some sort. I feel like we are going to learn a lot form each other.

Bright sun set

Bright sun set