Being a mother, a survivor and a woman - Part 25 - Broken heart

Warning: some of the content of this blog might be triggering

I disappeared again for a few days. Those were really dark days. I am still feeling chocked emotionally.

In a nutshell, I was engaged, ready to move in and it isn’t happening anymore… I need to find somewhere else to live by the end of the summer… So I am losing and grieving a few things.

I was strong and could manage my emotions for a week, then I got some more news and it is when I broke down…

My deep rooted feelings of rejection, abandonment and of betrayal got triggered big time. Those are the things that always send me into a very dark place as it is all connected to my childhood and the abuse.

I didn’t stop crying for 2 days, I stopped eating, I hurt myself… I wanted to leave this life. I went to see my doctor who increased my anti depressants and prescribed sleeping pills. I took the sleeping pills once but didn’t like them.

My friends are amazing but now I reached the point when I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I don’t want to try to understand what happened, lots of things were happening. I don’t want to dwell on the situation anymore…. It hurts too much. I can’t explain or answer questions anymore…

I wanted to talk to my therapist and left a voice mail while crying but she didn’t have the “capacity” to event talk to me, which only increased my feelings of rejection. She wasn’t available when I needed her. I don’t even want to see her today: I needed her when I was in so much pain I didn’t want to be here anymore.

These emotions are not so much because of the breakup but it is now about the old pain that lie dormant within me, ready to come back up at any opportunity. When I am in this very painful emotional place, there is nothing my friends can tell me or do to make it better because its rooted so deep within me.

"Think of your Daughter" I hear every time I am in a crisis…Of course I think about her. I look at her and she amazes me. But, what I am going through has nothing to do her. Some might say it is selfish… But it is always easy to judge.

I have to carry on one step at the time.


Being a mother, a survivor and a woman - Part 24 - Going through changes and great frienships

I didn’t write for a few days. Life threw something unexpected at me… I am not ready to share it all as I am still going through it.

What I want to share is how surprised I am how well I handle the situation. Yes, it is painful, yes, I go through different emotions and feelings at every seconds of it. It is a roller coaster and it’s tiring.

I breath through the pain, through the tears, through the sadness, through the anger. I use mindfulness while I walk, while I lie down…everywhere. I remind myself to anchor myself in the moment.

If it gets overwhelming, I reach out to my friends and they are amazing: one arrived with a bottle of wine at 5 in the morning when I couldn’t sleep. We laughed and cry together. Another gave me some herbal tea, herbal remedies and lend me some CDs of relaxation on the night I started crying and screaming of pain and sadness. She also took me out in Greenwich and for a breakfast. Another, opened her door to me straight after the crisis and calls or textes me regularly, reminding me how brilliant I am… as well as reminding me not to be so hard on myself. And, finally, another offered me support for work opportunities and, worst comes to worse, I can stay at her place until I sort myself out. My 4 little Angels.

I got in touch with my Mind adviser and my therapist. My old boss is going to support me with housing issues.

I talk to God and the Angels daily. I ask and get the support, the love, the guidance I need. The message is to heal the anger I carried for too long, look after myself; ask, accept and receive support, trust the journey and do what I want to do, for me and nobody else.

So, yes, I know I can do it, its sad I am no longer moving forward with someone I love but there is definitely some hope, love and support.

I am loved.

I am supported.

I am safe.

I am grateful.

I was chanting and I knew I don’t have to go through anything alone anymore: I can ask for support. I accept the support. I also knew I don’t have to hurt myself and can now use safe ways to cope with challenges.

I also became recently painfully aware of all the anger - at men and at their body parts - I have been carrying in my heart for so long. There is nothing wrong with my anger but because I have been holding it for so long, as I mentioned above, it hurts me.

To all my wonderful friends here on Earth and in the Universe.


Lovely meditation from Doreen Virtue


A beautiful morning

angels Messages - 8 - Remember who you are

" You are all eternal beings of Light. it’s just, sometimes, it’s hard to keep on shining!! It’s hard to remember who you really are, where you come from, and why you are here! Ask the Universe and us, the angels to remind you."

Angels Messages - 7 - Rest

" It’s ok to rest. It’s ok to take time out. Everybody needs to stop once in awhile. When you, call upon us and we will support you, surround you with Love."

Spirited Bodies February 2012

Spirited Bodies February 2012

(Source: happylittlebuddha)

Being a mother, a survivor and a woman - Part 23 - Spirited Bodies, friendship and sexual healing

Friday 28th of June - Spirited Bodies with Esther Bunting

I didn’t attend Spirited Bodies’ event since last year. I was going through a lot and felt quite vulnerable. There were too many people, a lot of men around, my personal space got invaded so I left. I lost my confidence in showing my body and I couldn’t be close to any men’s intimate body parts.

My journey with Spirited Bodies started in 2012 in a beautiful venue in Battersea. I was nervous but slowly warmed up and had a lovely time.

Then I went to another event later that year on Telegraph Hill. There was a photographer, and inspired by Project Unbreakable, I posed nude for him, holding messages about my child abuse. The other participants supported me, It was a moving and powerful experience.

But last year, to many things happened in between - my former landlord sexually assaulted me and I lost my confidence…

So this year, for this event  I said “Yes”. I am still going through a challenging time now: sex is such a painful experience in many ways but I decided I will go there as a way of not letting my past define me anymore.

I arrived late and tired from my busy week. I was really warmly welcome by the other ladies and I felt comfortable being here, posing.

Esther interviewed each one of us prior the event and played those interviews while we took it in turn in centre stage. All were really touching and funny in their own unique way.

The first male model arrived and I felt myself tensing… I didn’t want to see any penises… really!! So I reminded myself I was safe and I could look the other way! Then two more mal models arrived… Oh dear!! I realised how much I hated men bits… There is nothing cute and safe about them! They didn’t stopped me enjoy my experience.

Esther’s parents were here and her mother was posing with us! I was so happy to finally meet her. She has MS an is paralysed from the neck down. When it was her turn o take centre stage, they brought a massage table and we posed around her. Her interview was touching, moving and funny! She says sometimes she dreams she is 20 again and running! As a young woman, she wasn’t quite happy with her body and, now, she wishes she could move again.

I was born with a muscular dystrophy. Growing up, doctors were scared my muscles wouldn’t be strong enough to support me. Walking was difficult, I was painfully thin… I was bullied in school. Now, I can walk and move. I am so grateful for that… It took me years to be comfortable with my body.

Actually, I never had the chance to be: facing child sexual abuse brought a lot more issues in the last few years.  

So, listening to Esther’s mother - Sara - I realised how much I want to love my body.

Esther is one of my closet friend and she is very supportive, gentle and loving.

Will I do it again? Yes!!!


Brave Little Soldiers

I am thinking of you,

Brave little soldier.

You have been resting for quite awhile

And now you are gently coming back to us.

Hello brave little soldier!

It is so nice to see you again.

I admire you:

It takes real courage to face this world and to say

"You know what, I need to rest, I need to look after myself"

You inspire me to do the same:

To take my time on my healing journey.

Because, even the most courageous soldiers, like us

need to know when to leave the battle,

In order to lead happy lives.